A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; or you may miss the importance of the event without it. So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U.... if you don't get it, read it outloud....*L*.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed,- "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit!" After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday." After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist had no choice and took the man to court. He had him repossessed... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TEN HEADLINES WITH BOTH BUSH AND GORE AS PRESIDENT 10. Gore sleeps on lower bunk bed and discovers Bsh’s bed wetting problem. 9. First Ladies, Laura and Tipper, get into televised at fight when they arrive to Inaugural Address in the exact same gown. 8. Bush and Gore file joint complaint with local police: Bill still won’t leave." 7. Pat Buchanan’s title as People Magazine’s Sexiest Robot is revoked. Votes were meant for Al Gore. 6. For the good of the country, Bush and Gore agree to enroll in couples therapy. 5. The Presidents get into fist fight after learning they have to split the Presidential salary. 4. Gore contests his new job responsibility: Bush’s designated driver. 3. New musical hits Broadway: "The Robot and Monkey go to Washington." 2. Gore chokes old woman after she mistakenly calls him "President Buchanan." 1. The "Floridian" look is the latest fashion craze: An even distribution of Blue and Red. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What did Delaware? Her New Jersey Where do TV executives go when they die? Syndication What do you have if you've got George W. Bush, Al Gore and Dolly Parton all in the same room? Two Boobs and a country singer. Why does Thanksgiving Dinner take so long for Floridians? They like to count then recount their blessings! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a King called in all the towns' people to his castle and said, "Who ever will swim across this moat and back (which was full of alligators) can have one of two rewards: A chest full of gold or my beautiful daughter's hand in marriage." All of a sudden a man darted across the moat and back just like an arrow without getting a single scratch on him. "Which do you want, the chest full of gold?" asked the King. "No," said the man. "So you want my daughter's hand in marriage." "No," replied th man. "Well, said the king if you don't want that either what do you want?" "I want the name of the man who pushed me in the water!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" "Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" "Lard ass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do people who are crazy go through the forest? They take the psychopath. How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick." 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two drunks stumble out of a bar in New York City at 3:00 a.m. One of them trips and falls down the stairs of a subway entrance. When he staggers back up, the other drunk asks him, "Where did you go?" "I don't know," replies the first drunk, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP 10 SIGNS PEOPLE ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THE ELECTION 10. In order to boost up ratings, the evening news is airing re-runs. 9. Psychiatrists report an increase of "Chad"-related suicides. 8. Bush now claims that his middle initial stands for "Whatever." 7. The headline in the morning paper reads "Same $!#@, Different Day." 6. Hospital patients who have recently come out of a coma are asking doctors to help them go back into one. 5. Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris suggests replacing vote re-count with more expedient "paper-scissor-rock" method. 4. Making a public appearance together, Ehud Barak and Yasser Arafat beg the U.S. to "settle this thing already." 3. A frustrated Lieberman remarks that even "Chanukah doesn't last this long." 2. No longer willing to fight for a re-vote, Palm Beach residents claim that they will settle for a new season of "Matlock." 1. Marching on Capitol Hill, protesters shout, "Bring back Monica!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WANTED: Immediate opening. Fat Lady needed to travel to Florida and sing.