JOKELIST #27B ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear U.S. citizens, I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Thank You, The Monument Committee ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The guy approached a hot looking girl in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my girlfriend here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful babe, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?" "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yellling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes.How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says,"except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day 1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You...! Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 13. Allow me to introduce my selves. 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 19. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 23. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 25. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 26. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 29. I plead contemporary insanity. 30. And which dwarf are you? 31. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 32. Meandering to a different drummer. 33. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each with only 17 syllables: five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Here's a few samples: Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The website you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent and reboot. Order shall return. Aborted effort. Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No-one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. I ate your Web page. Forgive me; it was tasty And tart on my tongue ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, keeping the conversation moving and not letting the farmer get much of a word in. The farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand." The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself. That 'ol cow came home this morning!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More wisdom from kids: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." *Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." *Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." *Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." *Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." *Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want any more kids." *Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." *Lynnette, age 8 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." *Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." *Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." *Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.." *Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." *Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." *Theodore, age 8 "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." *Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" *Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." *Ricky, age 10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARKANSAS IF *Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waitin' to pass a tractor or new doublewide on the highway *"Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson *You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after their last hit *You measure distance in minutes *Down South to you means Louisiana *You know a bunch of people who have hit a deer * You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' "Ouachita" or "Possum Grape" *Your school classes were canceled because of cold * Your school classes were canceled because of heat *Your school classes were canceled because of a tornado *Your school classes were canceled because of deer season *Your school classes were canceled because of a livestock show *You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better *Stores don't have bags or carts...they have sacks and buggies and are called Piggly Wigglys *You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals *You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year *You end your sentences with a preposition, for example, "Where's my coat at?" "What's that made out of?" *All the festivals around the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, bricks, or lumber *Priming was your first job...and you know what it means *You say catty-wampered, catty-wampus, and tumped over * You know the difference between a deer dog, a duck dog and a coon dog by the way they bark. *You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both of them unlocked * You think the four major food groups are beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows *When asked how your trip to any foreign, exotic place was you "It was different" * Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place. *You consider being a "Beef Queen" or "Watermelon Queen" an honor *You carry jumper cables in your car *You know what a "cow drop" is. * You have your own secret BBQ sauce. *You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family members. *You visit the Arkansas State Fair mainly to see your neighbor's prize *You send this email on to some Arkansas friends 'cuz ya know it's true. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR TEENAGERS No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." No one's tall anymore, he's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenging." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~