An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks the barber, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2-hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door again, and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3-hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door of the shop again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps coming by and asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, I tell him, but then he doesn't come back. I'd just like to know what's with this guy?" A little while later, Bill comes back to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?" Bill looks at the barber, and with tears in his eyes, says, "Your house!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Many Republicans Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb? Four hundred and seventy one: 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs, 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs, 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb, 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead, and 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies: "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Female Comebacks: Man: Where have you been all my life ? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ See if you can do this. Read each line aloud. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. :P ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ True isms Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Top 17 Cruel and Unusual Forms of Capital Punishment 17> Listening to Kathie Lee's new CD -- once should do the trick. 16> The "Fran Drescher Sings Paganini" Chamber 15> Your left ear: N*Sync Your right ear: Britney Your hands and feet; tied 14> Being force fed meatloaf and yams while watching "Murder She Wrote" until you explode... no wait, that's just Sunday at Grandma's. 13> "Deliverance II: Squeal Like a Weasel" -- starring Pauly Shore 12> Death by reverse liposuction 11> Being strapped to a table as a steady drip of mild salsa hits your forehead while the Pepsi girl skips around the room singing a "Who Let The Dogs Out/Mambo #5/YMCA" medley as she plays the Taco Bell Chihuahua like a set of bagpipes. 10> Being forced to choose between a clueless dumbass and a sleazy liar for President. 9> Swallowing one's own saliva -- in very small amounts over a period of about 70 years. 8> Death by lethal rejection: every person you've ever asked out takes turns reminding you what a loser you are and why they wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person on the planet. 7> Yanni in one ear, John Tesh in the other, and nothing to watch but Doug Henning specials. 6> The Passed Gas Chamber: locked in a Rolls Royce with Anna Nicole Smith and several dozen Burrito Supremes. 5> "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson." 4> Viagra administered by I.V. -- death by lethal erection. 3> Stripped naked, tied down, smeared with beef gravy, and locked into a room with Calista Flockhart, Kate Moss, and a very dull set of cutlery. 2> Being drowned in a pool of your own vomit. A regulation Olympic size pool. 1> "Alright, now just pull Governor Bush's finger..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~editor's note: here's an oldy, but since it's almost october, i feel it needs to be rerun!~ How to Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters: 1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Angrily throw the trick-or-treaters their candy and slam the door. 2. Hand out colored eggs instead of candy. 3. After you hand out the candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. 4. Give away toothpicks, golf balls, nuts & bolts, etc. 5. Fill a briefcase with marbles, write "TOP SECRET" on it...when kids come to the door, look around suspiciously & hand them the case. Say "It's about time you got here." and shut the door. 6. Wait for someone to approach your door...throw it open before they can ring the bell. Yell "TRICK OR TREAT!" and hold out a goodie bag. 7. Get everyone who comes to your door to come inside and try and figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. 8. Answer the door dressed as a giant fish. Instantly flop onto the ground, and don't move until they leave. 9. When you answer the door, hold out a candy bar. Throw it into the yard, and yell "CRAWL FOR IT!!!" 10. When you answer the door, act shocked and scared. Run into the house screaming, and don't stop until they leave. 11. Insist that they each do ten push-ups before they can have their candy. 12. Hand out menus and let the trick-or-treaters order their candy. Keep asking if anyone would like to see the wine list. 13. Answer the door dressed as Santa. Stare at the kids for a moment, then start flipping through a calendar. 14. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Lecture everyone in sight about plaque and tooth decay. 15. Answer the door with chocolate smeared all over your face, and a few half-eaten candy bars in your hand. Insist that you're out of candy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ponderables: If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS WE'VE LEARNED IN COLLEGE: 1.) Last names? None of your friends know your last names. 2.) First name? None of your teachers know your first names. 3.) Going to class in your PJ's is a normal routine. 4.) Anyone who needs more than 10 mins to get ready for class is a slow-poke 5.) Quarters are gold 6.) So are calling cards 7.) For guys- catching a girl on a day when she has shaved her legs is a novelty. 8.) EVERYONE wants to get laid 9.) E-mail is a way of life 10.) Candles and incense will help cover up a smelly room. 11.) Febreeze is a gift of God 12.) Tank tops have become necessities all year round. 13.) Never wear white shoes to a frat party 14.) Never wear open toe sandals to a frat party (unless you want your feet to be sticky w/beer) 15.) Microwave food is the best invention. 16.) You will learn to enjoy the taste of Natty Ice 17.) You almost forget what a glass of milk tastes like 18.) Eating anywhere but the caf. is like a treat 19.) Even food in the food court/union gets old after a while. 20.) You do not have to separate your wash, do everything in cold water! 21.) Getting mail has never been such a big event before! 22.) People you meet when you are drunk will not remember you, don't make a fool out of yourself and say hi. 23.) People you meet once will most likely not remember you 24.) There are two types of people: Those who like Dave Matthews and those who like Rap. 25.) Generic brand food is the best kind:CHEAP! 26.) Checking your messages is an ego breaker/booster. 27.) No matter how much you like your roommates BF/GF, you will hate them by the end of the year. 28.) People who watch TV fall into 2 categories: 90210 or Dawson's 29.) Getting a C is something to be proud of! 30.) You never thought HS looked that good! 31.) A rice krispie treat and chocolate milk is just as good as cereal w/milk for breakfast! 32.) Getting to bed before 3am on any night of the week is impossible! 33.) You should jingle your keys before entering your room even if your roomate says they won't be there 34.) You must be aware that there are actually things called "beer-goggles", and yes they do make a difference.."Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"..right? 35) Living on the seventh floor really sucks by the end of the year,and it also really sucks when you are drunk 36) Having the top bunk really sucks when you are drunk, word of advice, don't sit up or your butt will be on the floor--this can be a very scary experience.--trust me 37) The more you watch the phone, the less it rings. And when it does ring, its either for your roommate or the the people down the hall are playing a joke on you. 38) You spend 10 times more time on the computer than on the phone. You don't get any computer bills, so why worry about how long you're on? 39) Sometimes the friends here are just not the same as certain ones from home. 40) There are lots of "fake" people at college. They're all trying to put on a show. 41) Beer is an acquired taste!!! 42) You have a pair of sweatpants that are just for dressing up. 43) Having a car will make you a chaffeur. 44) You love your freedom from your parents in the beginning, but end up getting homesick at the end of the semester 45) You don't have to wash your clothes until they're noticably dirty. 46) Forget Cd's, naspter is the way!!! 45) You never felt so special when someone actually remembers your name. 46) You realize that you no longer have to dress up everytime you go out but some people take it to great extremes and don't shower or brush their teeth. 47) Girls, never try to reapply your make up while drunk, chances are you will look like a raccoon with a bloody lip. 48) You call Dominos more than you call your house. 49) You always wear your shower shoes, you just never know what some people will do in there. 50) You realize you will walk a mile in the rain for a party, but wouldnt dare treking it to class on a nasty day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MOTHER'S DICTIONARY: Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises Verbal: able to whine in words Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was staying at my best friend's house for a few weeks and was helping her put her 5 year old daughter to bed. As we were walking up the long winding stairs, Jessica turned to me ans said "Aunty, I know how to spell bed you know." "Really?" I replied. "How do you spell Bed?" She looked at me with the most proud look on her face and loudly said, "S-A-P." I stopped in my tracks and asked her who had told her that S-A-P spelled bed and she replied "Mommy. She always says, 'Jessica Marie, You get to bed SAP.'" I'll never forget the look on her face as I laughed so hard that I slipped on the stairs and landed on my rear! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, "Who's the strongest person in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!" Ted politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. He said....Shall we try a different position tonight? She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."