A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Year 2055 Headlines: 1. Florida is finally re-admitted to the union. 2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock. 3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President. 4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 5. Nursing home event... Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations. 6. Texas executes last remaining citizen. 7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped. 9. Authentic year 2000 "CHAD" sells at Sotheby's for 9.6 million. 10. Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A farmer with a truck full of animals is on the way to the market for auctioning. He comes upon a hitchhiker and gives the guy a lift. On the way to town, the farmer starts nipping at some home brew, but swerves off the road and crashes in a big ditch. The hitchhiker is thrown out of the truck, suffering from broken ribs, a broken arm, and a busted leg. The farm animals were also seriously messed up. The farmer, who survived with only a few cuts and bruises, gets out of the truck and inspects his animals. The chickens have broken legs and wings, and can barely move. "These chickens are useless now!" the farmer explodes. "Nobody will buy these chickens!" He grabs his shotgun from the truck and shoots the chickens. Next, he sees that the pigs are all busted up and bleeding. "These pigs are worthless, too!" He reloads his shotgun and shoots the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep, which are in the same shape as the chickens and pigs "Worthless sheep!" he screamed. He reloads the shotgun and blows away the sheep. The injured hitchhiker witnesses all this carnage in horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the hitchhiker. "Are you okay down there?" asks the farmer. Instantly the hitchhiker answers, "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY WHOLE LIFE!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is a strange turn of events. Hillary gets $8 Million for her forthcoming memoir. Bill gets about $12 Million for his memoir. This from two people who have spent the past 8 years being unable to recall anything about past events! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a little girls first day of school and as she was walking around on the playground she met some girls. "Hi! What's your name?" asked one of the girls. "Happy butt." replied the girl. "No way!" laughed one of the other girls. "Yes it is!" the girls still didn't believe her so they walked away, thinking she was weird. As she walked into her new class, she met her new teacher. "Hello. What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Happy butt." said the girl. "Little girl, what is your real name?" asked the teacher once more. "Happy butt." said the girl. "OK. Tell me your real name or I'm sending you to the principals office!" "Happy butt!" exclaimed the girl. "OK. Go." yelled the teacher, sending her to the pricipals office. The girl walked up to the principal. "Hi. What's your name?"asked the principal. "Happy butt." replied the girl. "Tell me your real name or I am calling your parents!" "My name is Happy butt." said the girl.The principal called the girls parents. "Your name is not Happy butt, Sweety, it's Gladace." The girl looked at the principal and said, "Happy butt, Glad Ass, Same thing!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 15 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE 1. Sit up. Say, "time to make the donuts." Leave. Do this often. 2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved. 3. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny. 4. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up. 5. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away. 6. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune. 7. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her 8. Constantly drink from an empty glass. 9. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves. 10. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start. 11. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them. 12. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 13. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket. 14. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you. 15. Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000. Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, Tapping computer with hammer: $1 Knowing where to tap: $999 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said... "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One evening a farm woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, "I like Carnation best of all," and it was to be completed in 50 words or less. A couple of months later the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best, but it couldn't be published; however, they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000. Here is her entry: I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules: -- Make sure the Captain is aboard BEFORE getting under way!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~