THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME .. 1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email! 2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me. 4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people! 5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. 6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER !! 7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! 8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS. 9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. 10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!! 11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations. 12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on! Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out! ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A city boy moved to the country and shortly after bought a mule for $100 from a local farmer. The boy paid for the mule and the farmer was supposed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day the farmer drove up saying he had bad news. "What is the bad news?" the city boy asked. "The mule died", replied the farmer. "Then give me my $100 back" said the boy. "I can't", replied the farmer, "I spent the money last night. "Then just deliver the dead mule" demanded the boy. "What in the world do you want with a dead mule?" asked the farmer. "I'm going to sell him" the boy said. "You can't sell a dead mule !" the farmer said. "Watch me..." was the boy's only reply, so the farmer brought the dead mule over. A few weeks later the farmer ran into the boy in town and asked what had happened with the mule. The boy replied that he had sold him & made a profit of $898. "How did you do that?" the farmer asked. "Simple", replied the boy, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 raffle tickets for $2 a piece." "Didn't anybody complain when they found out the mule was dead?" "Only the guy with the winning ticket, and I gave him his two dollars back." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reverse the process When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw it away. When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!" Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A teacher was upset that one little boy was swearing in class. "Todd," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear those words?" "My daddy says that," Todd replied. "Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "I don't want to hear that language in here again." Turning away, the teacher muttered "At least he doesn't know what it means." "I do, too!" the little boy replied. "It means the car won't start! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied,"but what is growing in your butt?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about a specific condition, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man had a ticket for the theater, but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up, since I absolutely love mysteries. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers: "The wife did it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother - "Mom, what's sex?" His mother cringed at the question but knew it would some day come. Believing in all the most modern educational theories, she gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said - "Okay Mom... but how am I going to get all that into this one little square!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?" A female voice followed with, "The heck with that... Who was 'HE?' " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Ponderables: If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? Why do they report power outages on TV? In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies"...Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them alive aready? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? If Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You're coming empty handed?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~