Hidden Window's Commands... System Failure - Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) User Error: Replace user - now get out of here! Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two kids were waiting to be exmamined at the doctors office, when the boy noticed the girl crying. "Why are you crying?" he asked the girl. "Because I'm gonna have a blood test and the doctor is gonna cut my finger." Suddenly, the little boy started crying, and the girl asked: "Why are you crying?" The boy answered: "Because I'm here for a urine test..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you are a teacher if... You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." You believe chocolate is a food group. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You have no life between August to June. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun." You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you." Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Letters to Dear Abby... DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his! DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out? ABBY: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I'm Gay. DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? ABBY: I don't know. What's he getting? DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? ABBY: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? ABBY: Only if they don't work. DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? ABBY: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it! DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? ABBY: No, it's the last thing I want to do. DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? ABBY: Yes, and also hazardous. DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? ABBY: Yes, Run for public office. DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you?" ABBY: It depends on what you've heard. DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? ABBY: Night and Day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ways to tell when food is spoiled... EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. LETTUCE Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without cleanser. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a football should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie into a knot is not fresh. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife. UNMARKED ITEMS Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not "burp" when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fat Theology And God populated the earth with broccoli, and cauliflower, and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99 cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that ?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds. And God said. "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ice Cream. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so large it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN or ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream and dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who Says There's No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine) Grand Canyon National Park... Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park... Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska)... What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park... Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park... How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park... Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Yellowstone National Park... Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following was sent in in an apparent attempt to help my wife judge when to pull the chicken out of the oven. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try. Baked Stuffed Chicken 6-7 lb chicken 1 c melted butter 1 c stuffing 1 c uncooked popcorn salt & pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his five-year old son and playmates 'round back. He walked back there and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a proper burial was in order, they had secured a small box and some cotton batting, then dug a whole, and were now standing around the "grave." The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, of course. With sonorous dignity the little boy intoned HIS version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory to be unto the Faaaaather, and unto the Sonnnn . . . and into the hole he goes!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A school bus full of kindergarten students was taking the children home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child came to a different conclusion. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave." "Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last week when I went to the doctor, the bastard asked the question I knew he was going to ask: "Now, what are we planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" "I don't know, Doc. You want to haul it around for awhile?" "Be serious." "I am serious. Look, it just must be an overactive thyroid." "Uh huh. Your thyroid's perfectly normal. If there's anything overactive, it's your fork!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!" Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said..."You have to keep the worms warm!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What happened to you?" asked a hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. "By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children and it was time to do something about birth control. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb, put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me!" The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work. The man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...." The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand........ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy receives a letter to server jury duty. He talks to anyone in power explaining how he just cannont do it. They all tell him he will have to explain his reasons to the Judge. When his turn to address the Judge arises, this conversation follows: Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I just CAN'T possibly be away from my job that long your Honor! Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Book to see if the guy's name there. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was certain that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm., well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of bikers harassing this poor guy. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor man. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-5, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent guy alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter, truly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "Oh, about three minutes ago." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some Out-Takes From The Hollywood Squares TV Show. Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or False ... a pea can last as long as up to 5000 years. A: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes. Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Tape measures. Q: According to Anne Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of friends? A: It got me out of the army! Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex? A: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q: Do female frogs croak? A: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (An early Mother's Day classic) One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went into town. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. So he grabs his rod, the pail of worms and his sister and heads off. He returns home with baby sis in tow and storms into the house. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. "No Ma, The boy said, It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Liners (more or less): Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape...If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship..."I apologize" and "You are right." When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them. Never pass up the opportunity to pee. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! Living well "really is" the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his favorite hobby was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the walls of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with................ "corrupting the murals of a miner." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~