One-liners: What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries.Today, a five-year-old can do it. Blondie told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid." Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it. I'm so depressed. I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MOTHER'S DICTIONARY Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises Verbal: able to whine in words Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks the barber, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2-hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door again, and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3-hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door of the shop again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps coming by and asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, I tell him, but then he doesn't come back. I'd just like to know what's with this guy?" A little while later, Bill comes back to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?" Bill looks at the barber, and with tears in his eyes, says, "Your house!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, "Who's the strongest person in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!" Ted politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. He said....Shall we try a different position tonight? She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies: "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lady's Comebacks: Man: Where have you been all my life ? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trueisms: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Top 17 Cruel and Unusual Forms of Capital Punishment 17> Listening to Kathie Lee's new CD -- once should do the trick. 16> The "Fran Drescher Sings Paganini" Chamber 15> Your left ear: N*Sync Your right ear: Britney Your hands and feet; tied 14> Being force fed meatloaf and yams while watching "Murder She Wrote" until you explode... no wait, that's just Sunday at Grandma's. 13> "Deliverance II: Squeal Like a Weasel" -- starring Pauly Shore 12> Death by reverse liposuction 11> Being strapped to a table as a steady drip of mild salsa hits your forehead while the Pepsi girl skips around the room singing a "Who Let The Dogs Out/Mambo #5/YMCA" medley as she plays the Taco Bell Chihuahua like a set of bagpipes. 10> Being forced to choose between a clueless dumbass and a sleazy liar for President. 9> Swallowing one's own saliva -- in very small amounts over a period of about 70 years. 8> Death by lethal rejection: every person you've ever asked out takes turns reminding you what a loser you are and why they wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person on the planet. 7> Yanni in one ear, John Tesh in the other, and nothing to watch but Doug Henning specials. 6> The Passed Gas Chamber: locked in a Rolls Royce with Anna Nicole Smith and several dozen Burrito Supremes. 5> "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson." 4> Viagra administered by I.V. -- death by lethal erection. 3> Stripped naked, tied down, smeared with beef gravy, and locked into a room with Calista Flockhart, Kate Moss, and a very dull set of cutlery. 2> Being drowned in a pool of your own vomit. A regulation Olympic size pool. and the Number 1 Cruel and Unusual Form of Capital Punishment... 1> "Alright, now just pull Governor Bush's finger..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~