Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer.

Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their 
computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code 
streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. 
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! 
The power outage destroyed all of my work!"

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen 
comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the 
speakers.

Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed 
in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large 
Star of David.

After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with 
the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross 
is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty.

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of 
David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian 
neighborhood on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to 
give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and 
says - "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. 
The little boy kept hearing a "Beep..Beep..Beep" and asked his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that 
sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines 
behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes 
said - "Look out Dad - she's backing up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The 
instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to 
give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. 
And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!!!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a not-so-bright man in the middle of the group mustered the 
nerve raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter 
unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry", the sentry said, "but I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the 
windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try 
driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said: "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or 
the the driver?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of 
metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. 
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like 
all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates 
was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside 
the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, 
"You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates.

What's your second wish?"

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio 
system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out 
of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he 
certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason 
not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything 
now. May I save the third wish for later?"

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make 
a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire 
engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments 
needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was 
up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to 
sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio . . .

 . ."Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener" . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some stop smoking humor:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people... People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't 
a round as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days - then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so 
paramedics don't have to cut it off of you when trying to revive your dead butt.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewed right 
into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. . . Boy is my wife really pissed now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades --he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then 
he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious 
facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his 
data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of 
waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started 
shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his 
creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the 
hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother...

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty 
shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the 
mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team 
after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing 
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands 
and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that 
souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that 
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls 
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of 
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since 
there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, 
we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we 
can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change 
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in 
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two 
possibilities:

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the 
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the 
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman 
year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the 
fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, 
and so Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a 
broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on 
his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this 
chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten 
an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A computer programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer 
leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, 
so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists, saying that it's 
a real easy game.

He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a 
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; 
and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!"

That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game. The programmer asks the first 
questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, and 
just hands the programmer $5.

Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes 
down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, 
looks through all his references, and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer 
$50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away, and 
returns to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much 
it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from 
the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The 
barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

he next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police 
officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber 
said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.