An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced... "It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly": At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. By then, the cold is probably cured. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work. "You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do." "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. . ."But let's see him do it with the engine is running!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. And I noticed something while I was there. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cindy's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell 'SPOT'. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does 'XOIPL spell?" "Nothing," Cindy said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does 'DORP' spell?" "Nothing," Cindy answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does 'GDOLFG' spell?" Cindy smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing!'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off. At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read - "When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Facts of life: The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Your friends love you anyway. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration, please." "Fine. It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "Sure, lady!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license." To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration." She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little Yugo car smashed into the rear of a Jaguar as he made a left turn. The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded. "What's the point?" shrugged the driver of a Jaguar. "If you couldn't see my Jaguar, how could you see my hand?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Officer," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Words You Won't Find In the Dictionary... But You Should" Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Surgeon General has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator. The Surgeon General warns: Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield. Never moon a werewolf. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!" Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot." Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Know It's Time To Diet When: You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. You could sell shade. You dance and it makes the band skip. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. Your blood type is Ragu. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you're drinking too much coffee when... You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You help your dog chase its tail. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown." ~ Carl Sagan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ----------- $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 --------- $ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 --------------- $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ------------ $10 .00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ------------ $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ----------- $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ------------ $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ---------------- $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ----------------- $84.48 per gallon and this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 --------- $21.19 per gallon. $21.19 FOR WATER! And the buyers don't even know the source! So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or Heaven forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!