A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One evening Bernard, an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All summer, Bernard and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife Louise, had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling to owls," Louise commented. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven, so Fidel must go to hell. Well, Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problemo, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few weeks back my sister called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Can you hold please?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, then she just fainted!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Letter to the Railroad: Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years. Yours truly, A Commuter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Chuck came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Chuck. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Chuck explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,'and he sat up all night watching me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first grade teacher. Miss Johanson asked Little Bennie, "Bennie if I gave you two bunnies and then two more bunnies and then two more bunnies, how many would you have?" Bennie replied, "Seven bunnies, Miss Johanson." The teacher asked again, "Listen Bennie, If I gave you two bunnies, plus two more bunnies, plus two more bunnies, how many bunnies would you have altogether?" Bennie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven." "Ok Bennie," Miss Johanson said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke. How many cans of Coke would you have?" "Six cans." Bennie answered. "OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. If I gave you two bunnies, then two more bunnies, then two more bunnies how many would you have?" "Seven, Teacher." Bennie replied. Exasperated, Miss Johanson asked, "Why seven?" Bennie replied, "Because I already have one bunny at home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mom that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The little mother, rather shaken by the development, immediately called Susie's teacher. After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?" "No, of course not" said the mother. "Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher. "So how do you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter. "It's really easy, mom," Susie responded. "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films ended with a scream and a flush. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. If a man prepares dinner for you & the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he's serious. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie 'The Way We Were' twice, voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Mike, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS... Write on the envelope, 'Now you have it all!.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Babies Need Lots Of Clothes 1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib..baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in. 2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don't have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze...or even if you do...baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything. 3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer... but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance. 4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless...baby will find spot. 5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, cowboy suit... 6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today...size 3 on Wednesday... 7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while. 8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee...let's see if the washing machine has eaten today... 9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night...that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws.. 10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else's stash and the clothes look cleaner...just trade...they will probably be too tired to notice...) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When my wife took her beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. When she asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?" She replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, she added, "It's an old fossil." Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" she asked. "Mrs. Jones... I've been in insurance a while," she explained, "but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students... They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?" The teacher's pet replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?" The class clown retorts, "Nah, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the big deal -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~